By Rachelle Keng
(An excerpt from upcoming book "Woven in the Womb")
Most women do not think that a miscarriage will happen to them. But if you are part of the 15-20% of women who have experienced a miscarriage, you are not alone.
Most miscarriages are a shock.
We know they happen to someone else - just not to us.
For many women, the early days of a positive pregnancy test are exhilarating.
It does not take us very long to bond with the idea of a baby.
But when the first ultrasound shows no heartbeat, the pregnancy dream quickly turns into
a nightmare.
It is earth-shattering.
But if you would allow me to speak into your pain, I hope you know:
No matter how long your child was here on this earth (whether just hours as an embryo
or years as an adult) -
Your child’s life matters.
Your mother’s dreams for your child matter too.
You will always be a mother even if you never hold your child.
A miscarriage is not something we get over quickly and just try again.
A miscarriage is a lifelong loss.
The grief that women experience after reproductive loss has many layers. Her body may not show signs of miscarriage until weeks after the loss has already occurred. One of the hardest parts of miscarriage is the physical effects of miscarriage. It is physically challenging to pass the pregnancy. Medical providers have counsel for different options to help women complete their miscarriage. But the emotional loss worsens after the physical passing. Like most grief, the triggers come in waves - women who have the same due date, children who would have been the same age, there are unexpected triggers everywhere. The world becomes very small to avoid any reminders of loss. Even though a baby’s life may have ended, the anniversaries live on. Life continues while her world will never be the same. The soul heartache is even more difficult to deal with after the physical recovery.
Self-blame is a common reaction for women who have gone through miscarriage. There is a disconnect with what she knows and how she feels. She may obsess about each possible misstep that could have caused a pregnancy loss. Women often say after their miscarriages:
There is something wrong with me.
It was all my fault.
If only __(fill in the blank)___, this would not have happened.
Was it too much stress? Too much exercise? Not enough exercise? The list of self-blame is endless.
But this self-blame only leads to a dead end. We can spend years trying to fix things on our own only to be deeply discouraged. Self-reliance leads to guilt when we fail.
If you recognize this guilt in yourself, would you consider giving your womb to its creator?
God is sovereign over the womb.
He has already planned all of the days of our lives from conception to death
“You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.”
Psalms 139:16 NLT
What you believe about your control over the womb is directly proportional to your self-shaming. For if you believe that you can prevent every harm, you may be paralyzed by guilt after a miscarriage. But if you believe someone else is in control of the womb, there is a relief in who is writing our children’s stories. What a relief that mothers cannot cause miscarriages ultimately by what she does or what she does not do. But this relief leads to more questions.
If God is sovereign and so good, why would God allow miscarriages?
The womb is downtrodden by sin in the garden of Eden. And so now conception is fraught with adversity.. But what we know intellectually is not always helpful after loss. Ultimately, the question women want to understand after their loss is Why, God? Why me?
For many women, a miscarriage is the first time we are aware of our humanness.
It may be the first time we recognize what little control we have over the womb and over
our lives.
A miscarriage is humbling.
It is earth-shattering.
However, it is also heaven-facing.
God does not operate only in the confines of this world. His timeline extends past death - our own death and our children’s deaths. One day there will be an eternal reunion that is not separated by a heartbeat that defines life. He is the savior of our children in this life and in the one to come.
God uses our loss in this lifetime to bring us back to Him for all of eternity. For loss reminds us that our lives are a vapor. Loss reminds us that our lives are not about ourselves but about Him.
If you have lost a baby before, God has not forgotten you. He holds all of your tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8). He grieves death with you (John 11:35). At one time on the hill of Calvary, God was also separated from His child by the same heavens that separate you from yours. But the story did not end there. It ended with a reunion in heaven.
The last line of your pregnancy story is not, “and they lived happily ever after.” The last line of your pregnancy loss is “to be continued.”
When you surrender your children (born and unborn) to God, you will be filled with incredible peace.This state of surrender is where Jesus does His best work. Powerful letters are drafted, new dreams are born, gratitude is made anew. It is where we look at the snake, ugly in its face, and tell him that we do not choose ourselves, but we choose God instead. There is a powerful purpose in this moment.
Pregnancy loss is painful. Marriages and relationships break up because of pregnancy loss. Priorities shift because of them. Perspectives change because of them. But those who know Jesus have hope that the woes of their womb are not without eternal purpose. Their desire for heaven only grows- where every baby survives, every diagnosis reversed, and every tear will be wiped away. He is weaving the painful story of your womb for an eternal tapestry.
“Look! I am creating new heavens and a new earth, and no one will even think about the old ones anymore. Be glad; rejoice forever in my creation! And Look! I will create Jerusalem as a place of happiness. Her people will be a source of joy. I will rejoice over Jerusalem and delight in my people. And the sound of weeping and crying will be heard in it no more. No longer will babies die when only a few days old. No longer will adults die before they have lived a full life. No longer will people be considered old at one hundred!” (Isaiah 65:17-20)
Be kind to yourself, my friend.
And when you have time to breathe again, look up.
Our hope is in much, much more.
Precious Little One
Author Unknown
I’m just a precious little one,
Who didn’t make it there.
I went straight to be with Jesus,
But I’m waiting for you here.
Many dwelling here where I live,
Waited years to enter in.
Struggled through a world of sorrow,
A world marred with pain and sin.
Thank you for the life you gave me,
It was brief but don’t complain.
I have all heaven’s Glory,
Suffered none of earth’s great pain.
Thank you for the name you gave me,
I’d have loved to bring it fame.
But if I’d lingered in earth’s shadows,
I would have suffered just the same.
So sweet family, don’t you sorrow,
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom.
I went straight to Jesus’ arms,
From my loving Mother’s womb
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